“I started to talk how some people forget their dreams and ideals, so instead they are focused on search of material things and safety. Sometimes the search for success and acknowledgment is escape into the future because they luck courage to be themselves, to face with criticism and disapproval because they want to be what they are and follow they true calling.”
That chapter from the “Little Prince”, that few lines, left me without words and in my thoughts all week. I was constantly spinning those words in my head because they are perfect fit to what I am doing my whole adult life. I am refusing to be me so I can fit into society and avoid criticism and disapproval. Actually, that is pretty hard to confess to myself and to others. I am convinced that my whole appearance to others must be that I am strong, with clear goals, kind and approachable. To be truly honest, I am all that, but not that much how I want to convince others and not in every situation.
Most of the time I feel I am spinning in a circle like a dog chasing its tail. Without goal, lost in a world asking myself: “Where do I belong?”. Mostly I am alone no matter how many people is around me. Then life carries away and I continue to adjusts to others because I was though as a child: “Be smarter”, “Let them do what they want , you step aside.”, it is incredible how some words from childhood can play important role later.
When I was a kid, I was a very lively child. Arbitrary, bit stubborn, but on the other hand greasy and eager for love. Adults always calmed me down, silenced me, and changed my behaviour because they didn’t want to have a child who was loud and constantly had to do something and be interested in something. At one point my parents decided to live apart in a very aggressive way and my mom, to escape, moved out of town while I stayed with my grandmother, sister and brother. These were the happiest and the loneliest years of my life. It was not a happy circumstance that at one period of my childhood I got lice and all the children in the neighbourhood tease me for a very long time. Those were the first moments when I was not accepted into society. Later on, it just continued.
In whatever family I came (mom, sister, foster parent) and in whatever group I was (like elementary school, high school, college), I wasn’t always accepted as I was. I learned to observe people and change my behaviour to be as close as possible to them and thus gain confidence and acceptance.
However, all of us have reasons why we act like we do. That can be learned behaviour from parents or we simple learned how to adjust ourselves to fit. Do we react to others when we are annoyed faster or we take a minute to think. That all depends on lives we had and the lives that had been forced upon us. Nobody should be blamed for what they are because no matter how many times we choose our own life path that much is the one forced on us from side our upbringing and our views of life that was created through unique situations in which we were.
That is why we can’t be mad at people that crossed our lives and had influence on us. We should spend energy in a different way. To accept ourselves the whey we truly are.
I am still far away from my true self, because in a process of growing up I changed myself too many times. I never had one idol, I had them all as idols. To come back to my self is a job for my whole life, but I am not giving up. We need to stay strong. Be ourselves no matter of criticism and no matter of other people who just want to mould you according to their picture of you. There is no mould than the one you make for yourselves. The one that will give you freedom to be whatever you want to be. We live in the era of endless possibilities. Go out to the world without fear and face with it, be example, model for us, who are little older and who let the fear put us aside.