Today I thought to myself: “I am a good person, unique in my own way, beautiful to myself and to my closest and very innocent in my existence”. This is the first time I realized this so deeply and personally. Untill today I was always reassuring myself that I am a good person no matter of others. I told myself that I am beautiful and that others don’t have to see that. But I was mad at myself that I am unique and that my thinking is very much innocent. I couldn’t accept that because it caused me so much problems with my environment.
I can’t see the difference between what to say and share and what to keep to myself. I am kind of a person that is comfortable with myself so don’t ask questions that you can’t handle and then judge me because I heard. You asked. I just answered. I don’t understand why people don’t accept others the way they are. There is always some changing of others going on without thinking on so many occasions. Why would I change you? What is my inner reason? To mold you in a way that you lose yourself. But then you are not the person I want to be around. Just because you are different from me and I don’t agree with you all the time, I don’t have to change you as long as you don’t try the same with me. I don’t understand why would anyone hurt others just because. What set of mind is that?
And there are so many people that don’t think of their actions. They think only of themselves and if you come across the goal, there is no problem to crush you. But is that the way we should achieve our goals? NO. There are so many polite ways to do whatever you want, just need to spend a little more time on that. That’s all.
I don’t understand why I can’t laugh loudly or say ooooo and ahaaa very long just because I am excited that I understood something and it is considered rude to jump out of joy at that moment. I don’t understand why I can’t be both playful as a child and serious at the same time. I can be very precise and concrete when I need to. But most of the time I am very clumsy. I can laugh so honestly and calmly while I am deeply sad and anxious.
I can take you and work so seriously that I will make lists in my head how to organize things in a way that you don’t feel that the work is done, And at the same time be so much in the dark of my goals for the day that I will depend on you to tell me what needs to be done. Who taught us that silly rule of being a human? And how to detect that faulty thinking with the one where we are nice to each other and to ourselves. I would really wanna that people are nice to each other. I think that’s the minimum. But they are not most of the time. And that’s ok.
And I’m typing this with sadness. It’s ok because we can’t change others in a way that we want to. We can only be better versions of ourselves, nice to others, accepting and honest and people will follow. People will change. Because that’s how that works. Patience is the key.
Željka, croatian care leaver